Malaysia, land of conservativism and wonder

When I was at university in the dying years of the eighties, by far the largest group of foreign students was from Malaysia, a country I had heard relatively little about. The Malaysian students were very cliquey and unprepared to socialise outside their own community. They huddled together in little groups in lectures, never visited any of the university bars (like the popular Students’ Union bar where a pint of beer cost about fifty pence!) and conversed with each other in Chinese or Malay.

I managed partially to befriend one Malaysian Chinese chap called Tee Chock Wan by default because he happened to be in the same tutorial group as me. Tee was very guarded in his conversations with me and liked to stick to talking about improving things like the appropriateness of the use of the subjunctive in a sentence, or the importance of not splitting infinitives; an enthralling chap, Tee.

To draw him out of his shell somewhat, I once invited Tee to join me for a drink at the Students’ Union. His reaction was curious. “Oh no,” he said, “people who go there do all sorts of bad things like bonking!” I still struggle to make sense of Tee’s views. Bonking was a “bad thing”?

The only time since then that I have heard something so bizarre that it knocked me sideways was the Seinfeld episode where Jerry Seinfeld asks two super-fit babes to have a threesome with him in the expectation that they will refuse but is shocked to find them both to be enthusiastically keen on the idea. What is staggering is that Jerry then turns them down. On hearing about this, his friend, George, is convinced that Jerry has taken leave of his senses. “You said no?” George exclaims, utterly perplexed, “have you lost your mind? That’s like discovering plutonium!” Jerry, like Tee, can see nothing wrong with his attitude. “I’m not an orgy guy,” he says, “I’d have to buy new clothes and get new friends!”

I soon came to learn that Tee’s perspective was common currency among Malaysians. Even when abroad as students in as licentious a country as England, they are very deeply conservative people. Religion goes some way towards explaining this but not enough; I have known religious Islamic chaps fold up their prayer mats after their evening supplication and then head out to the nearest brothel. I think the conservatism of the people is because Malaysia is one of the best examples of that delightful oxymoron: an enlightened dictatorship.

Under the long leadership of hard man Mahathir Mohammed, Malaysia’s economy prospered and its people venerated him. Mahathir understood that near blind obedience was the most efficient means by which to achieve his far-sighted aims and that conservatism was a useful tool to be employed in inculcating obedience. It worked handsomely. When Mahathir took the reins, Malaysia was categorised as a developing country. By the time of his retirement in 2003 it was a kick-ass industrialised economy. No mean feat that. Apart from an obliging populace, Mahathir also needed an absence of troublesome opposition politicians so as to be able to get on with things. In this he was mostly successful – there are ways and means of keeping troublesome fellows out of your hair – but he found a former finance minister called Anwar Ibrahim to be particularly irksome.

As they say, fortune favours the brave and Mahathir chanced upon the knowledge that, although married, Mr Ibrahim was partial to amorous encounters with humans with a full quotient of testosterone. All he then had to do was organise a few honey traps for Mr Ibrahim. Poor old Anwar, happy in the knowledge that there were young men of similar inclinations to his, found to his horror that these self same chaps were also predisposed to singing like canaries. Before Mr Ibrahim could get on the first flight to San Francisco, London, Johannesburg or any other gay-friendly city, he found himself hauled before a court to hear toe-curlingly detailed statements by several young men of his amatory encounters with them. Sodomy being a criminal offence in Malaysia, Mahathir was, thus, able to have Anwar hauled off to chokey. An inconvenient problem was thereby solved.

But Mahathir is by no means a one-trick pony. He planned the timing of his removal of the troublesome Anwar – a messy business which could have earned him loads of international opprobrium and consequently a tarnishing of his country’s hard earned reputation as a decent investment location - to coincide with showcase events that would put Malaysia on the global map as a country that had arrived. One such event was the opening of the world’s then tallest buildings, the Petronas twin towers. The other was the completion of the magnificent Sepang motor racing circuit and its hosting of the first ever Malaysian Grand Prix in 1999. The world gasped in wonder and was thereby rendered deaf to the cries of the hapless Anwar.

The Sepang circuit – unlike most of the other identikit circuits designed by Hermann Tilke – is, as it happens, a rather good circuit. It has very fast corners, a sweeping straight and some superb overtaking points. Perhaps it was because Tilke did so well at Malaysia that he was awarded the right to build every other new Formula One circuit since the turn of the century. This is where Bernie Ecclestone and his mates just don’t get it. Just because a guy has once done a good job doesn’t make him the only person who can do one. How challenging would, say, international championship golf be if every single golf course was designed by Greg Norman or Jack Nicklaus?

I don’t think there is any Malaysian Grand Prix I have not enjoyed. Last year’s race could have been a corker had its organisers not thought themselves cleverer than the weathermen. Thunderstorms were predicted for late afternoon in Sepang but the race was still started in the late afternoon to make television viewing more convenient for us cosseted television viewers in Europe. As predicted, an almighty deluge began as the race kicked off and got progressively worse lap after lap. Inevitably, the race was abandoned at about halfway distance. A little water on a race track makes a race interesting. Raging, frothy rivers do not. It would be a shame to have another washed out Malaysian Grand Prix but, as we saw in Australia, a little rain can spice up a race considerably.

Ever since the first ever Grand prix at Sepang, no man has claimed the circuit for his own quite like Michael Schumacher. This year’s race may be the opportunity Schumacher needs to vindicate himself after two lacklustre races. For a man with as colossal a reputation as Schumacher, coming back to Formula One in his forties after three years absence was always going to be risky. He will be the first to admit that questions are already being asked rather more loudly than he might like.

Still, it is not going to be easy. Sebastian Vettel, Lewis Hamilton and Felipe Massa are each determined to light up this season with their first win. There is a lot to look forward to and it doesn’t really matter too much if you get carried away in your appreciation of the action in Malaysia because Monday is a day off. It behoves me then to wish you a very happy Easter and hope that you will,

Enjoy Malaysia!

Gitau
2 April 2010