Ferrari buys Fisichella

Anyone who has ever had the good fortune to be in a negotiating session with a member of the Kenyan police constabulary will tell you that those uniformed gentlemen of the law speak the language of Formula One very eloquently indeed. If you are driving and a Kenyan copper pulls you over and says “what you have just done is commit an offence,” he really means “I could do with two hundred shillings to tide me over for a couple of days, matey.” If, though, the copper says “you have just committed a very serious offence!” you know that the wolf is bivouacked outside his door and hunger pangs are gnawing at the bellies of his children. He really means “one thousand bob from you will mean the difference between the mortuary and survival for me.”

Applying this sterling logic to the language we heard from Giancarlo Fisichella and his Force India employers last weekend and throughout the earlier part of this week was, for me, the work of an instant. When Fisichella was asked whether he would be replacing Luca Badoer in Felipe Massa’s Ferrari seat for the rest of the 2009 season, he said “I have not received any call from Ferrari and am very happy driving for Force India at the moment.” In translation, he meant “It’s a done deal. The official Ferrari tailor was in my room five minutes ago measuring me up for my promotional photographs in brand new Ferrari togs in time for the Italian Grand Prix two weeks hence in Monza.” Similarly, Fisichella’s boss issued a statement on Monday denying the claims of a senior Force India employee that the Fisichella Ferrari move was “a done deal”. About his employee, Mallya said “he is not the official spokesperson for Force India and his comments should be ignored.” He meant “only I am authorised to negotiate on behalf of Force India and the Ferrari cheque has been written out in my name, not this arsehole’s.”

Taking a step back, this all looks to me like a game of numbers. Vijay Mallya owes Ferrari money for the engines they supplied his team last season which he hasn’t yet paid for. Fisichella has scored eight points for the team which will be worth a few million quid at the end of the year. Ferrari run the risk of having Italian fans throwing seats on the circuit at Monza if Luca Badoer comes last again which could ultimately be injurious to the team’s bank balance. There has been no Italian driving a Ferrari since Ivan Capelli in 1992. Giancarlo Fisichella is Italian. As the Americans say, do the math…

You can just see it, can’t you? Mallya picked up a phone call from the Ferrari boss, Luca di Montezemolo. I am privileged to have obtained access to a cleverly obtained copy of the telephone conversation. Here is a transcript:

Mallya: How nice to hear from you, Mr di Montezemolo.
di Montezemolo: Vijay, is-a no need-a to be so formal-a. You call-a me Luca. Maybe I invite-a you and a woman – don’t-a ‘ave to be-a your wife-a! (heh heh) - to my villa in Toscano. Maybe we ‘ave a swim-a and maybe a good-a Italian meal-a together-a. You like-a da plan-a?
Mallya: Sounds very good, Luca.
di Montezemolo: Okay you leave-a everything-a to me.
Mallya: No problem, Luca.
di Montezemolo: You remember those engines-a you ‘ave-a still-a to pay?
Mallya: Don’t worry, Luca. Now that we have some good points, there will be enough money in November for me and for you.
di Montezemolo: No, no, Vijay. You are-a now my friend-a. We forget-a engines. Okay?
Mallya: Thank you, Luca. But what’s the catch?
di Montezemolo: No, no, Vijay. You are-a too suspicious-a! Ha ha!
Mallya: Well, I..
di Montezemolo: You no worry. I take-a care of everything. Can you do something-a small for me, Vijay?
Mallya: What is that, Luca?
di Montezemolo: Tell-a Fisichella his overalls are now ready and the new-a team photograph is this-a Thursday. Okay?
Mallya: (sighs) Yes, of course, Luca. Anything you say.
di Montezemolo: Gracie, amico miyo. See you in Toscano! Ciao.

Gitau
4 September 2009