The comeback that never was

The Russian composer, Modest Mussorgsky, wrote a classical piece of beautiful piano music called Pictures at an Exhibition in the late nineteenth century. The work is an attempt to describe the sensations experienced by a lover of paintings as he walks through an art gallery displaying an exhibition of his favourite works of art.

I was reminded of Mussorgsky’s famous composition at the end of the 2006 Formula One season when Michael Schumacher, 7 times world champion and winner of 91 Grands Prix announced his retirement. I had written a valedictory piece praising Schumacher’s extraordinary achievements in Formula One but declaring that the sport would be better off without him. Short of death treats, I received everything else: emotional emails calling me a turncoat; phone messages warning me to stay away from Italy; and even threats to have my blog deleted from the internet in its entirety. Best of these was an email from a member of the tifosi who said he felt like I had yanked at his testicles. He had, he explained, a room, nay, a shrine in his house in which there hung blown up photographs of Schumacher winning at every Grand Prix circuit. This same chap wrote to me a fortnight ago ecstatically explaining the joy he now felt every day as he walked through that shrine in anticipation of the master’s return at the new circuit in Valencia on the weekend of 23 August.

Sadly for chaps like this and millions of others of his ilk around the world, this is now not going to happen. Schumacher has been declared medically unfit because of lingering injuries to his neck which he sustained while racing a motorbike in February this year. He will not be taking part in the European Grand Prix and the tifosi are simply going to have put away their hooters and rattles.

I must admit to being more than a little perplexed by this news. What, I ask myself, is going on? A driver’s neck being the most important part of his anatomy when racing an open top car at great speed at the same time as cornering and attempting to resist tremendous g-forces, you would have thought the first thing Ferrari would have made sure of was the durability of the Schumacher neck before rushing out an announcement about him being Felipe Massa’s replacement for the remainder of 2009. That the injuries to his neck are the reason for Schumacher’s decision seems bizarre. Really? Ferrari – a team with tons of spare cash and access to as many doctors as necessary – was unable to give Schumi a thorough going over before telling the world he was ready for a comeback? Come on! Pull the other one.

I have two possible explanations. The first is one that every conspiracy theorist has probably been drawn towards. After spending half of 2009 looking pitiful, Ferrari couldn’t bear being so out of sorts for any longer. They had already accepted that this season was a wash-out when near disaster struck and their star driver was seriously injured in an accident. How better to make the most of the situation and keep Ferrari in the headlines than by announcing the return of the most successful driver in Formula One history? Schumacher retired at the top of his game. It is perfectly believable that given the right equipment he could conceivably win a fair few races and even a world championship.

Therein lies the rub: the right equipment. It is the reasoning behind my second possibility for today’s state of affairs. The 2009 Ferrari – the F60 - is a no-hoper. A driver as competitive as Schumacher, with as technically brilliant a mind as his, would have realised fairly quickly that he risked embarrassment in Massa’s Ferrari. The last thing a successful and competitive sportsman wants is embarrassment. He would much rather lose money than the respect of his fans; respect, mind you, earned through years of hard effort. After spending hours in the Ferrari factory on the F60 simulator and studying its data, Schumacher will have come to the growing realisation that he risked serious damage to his colossal reputation by racing the F60 competitively. He risked looking as pathetic as Muhammad Ali did when he attempted a disastrous comeback fight against Larry Holmes in 1980. Schumacher probably considered his options and decided that disappointing his fans – who had already bought tickets by the vanload for the race in Valencia – was the lesser of two evils.

There is a more prosaic version of this theory. It is that while sitting at dinner across the table from Corinna, his wife, in their splendidly appointed home in Gland, Switzerland, Schumacher casually mentioned that he was planning to return to Formula One. The conversation went something like this:

Michael: (clearing his throat) Corinna, darling, how do you fancy an extra €35,000,000?
Corinna: Michael, what for? Haven’t we got more than €1 billion stashed away or have you been gambling?
Michael: Ah, well, that’s all safe but you could always do with a little extra couldn’t you?
Corinna: Why don’t you just come out with it and tell me what you want to tell me? Why skirt round the subject in this silly manner?
Michael: (very quickly) I have agreed to be Felipe Massa’s replacement driver for the rest of this season for €5,000,000 per race. Isn’t it great?
Corinna: Felipe is in intensive care, Michael. He nearly died in Hungary. Have you lost your mind?
Michael: It’s only 7 races and I’m always careful, you know that don’t you?
Corinna: (very slowly) I am only going to say this once, Michael. No. You are not racing a Formula One car ever again. Do you understand?
Michael: (very contrite, now smiling) Heh heh. Only kidding, darling. There’s nothing worth watching on telly so I thought I’d give you a bit of a laugh.
Corinna: Very funny, Michael. Ha ha bloody ha.

Result: Luca Badoer, Ferrari’s test driver, will be standing in for Felipe Massa at the European Grand Prix in Valencia just under a fortnight hence.

Gitau
11 August 2009