The United States Grand Prix

When you think of the United States of America, a word you cannot avoid, however hard you try, is "big". The USA is vast. It is such a huge country that you would need a very long time to travel around it and take it all in. But America is not only big in size; it is enormous in every possible way. The United States economy is by far and away the largest the world has ever known. Try spending a week without using something American and see how far you get (forget using your computer, drinking Coca Cola or switching your GPS satellite navigation device). American economic might controls the world. As if that is not bad enough, no country or combination of countries comes anywhere close to possessing as vast a military machine, awash with expensive weaponry and with an attitude higher than Mt Everest. Add to this mix the political leadership of Texan tough guy, George Dubya Bush, and you have a place on earth that nobody but an American can truly comprehend. It is perhaps not surprising that only Americans seem unfazed about living in the land with the largest proportion of massively obese people on earth.

The paradox that the USA represents is that while the rest of the world perceives America and Americans with a visceral loathing, it is the most visited country in the world. No country inspires as much yearning to belong as the USA. Americans shake their heads in disbelief every day. "If they all hate us so much, why is every coke-growing Colombian, every starving African and every peasant Indian trying to get here?" they ask themselves. Well, I can offer some answers. One is American flair. For a motor racing fan, America is a great place. The USA Grand Prix has a history dating back many decades. No country has hosted a Grand Prix in as many locations. There have been Grands Prix at Sebring, Florida, Riverside, California, Watkins Glen, New York, Long Beach, California, Detroit, Michigan, Dallas, Texas, Phoenix, Arizona and Indianapolis, Indiana. The motor racing through the years in many of these places has been outstanding. Watkins Glen is affectionately remembered by many but it is to the Brickyard in Indianapolis to which the circus returns this weekend.

The United States Grand Prix took a long break away from Uncle Sam's territory after Ayrton Senna won in Phoenix in 1991 and only came back - this time to Indianapolis - in 2000. Save for 2001 when Mika Hakkinen ruined Ferrari's party in a McLaren, Michael Schumacher has won every single race since 2000. This is not reflected in the published statistics because in 2002 Schumacher foolishly gifted the win to his team-mate, Rubens Barrichello, by attempting to stage-manage a photo-finish. It was also Schumacher who sheepishly had to accept the whistles and cat-calls on the top step of the podium at the end of last year's race featuring only six cars (all the Michelin-shod teams ridiculously boycotted the race). In other words, this is another of the many Schumacher race tracks: the tracks which Michael Schumacher feels are his alone to win. If he is to salvage any prospect of wresting this year's championship from Fernando Alonso it is crucial that Michael Schumacher wins at Indianapolis on Sunday.

If last Sunday and every other Grand Prix Sunday this season are anything to go by, Michael Schumacher will have his work cut out for him if he is to come close to catching Fernando Alonso at any circuit, let alone the Indianapolis Motor Speedway. Going by Alonso's record this season there are no Schumacher circuits as far as he is concerned. No circuit is too difficult, too fast, too technical, too hot or too bumpy. When Fernando Alonso puts on his helmet and steps into his Renault he becomes peerless. Montreal last week was exceptional. In a race where every driver was struggling with a dodgy re-surfacing job at the Circuit Gilles Villeneuve, Alonso did not put a foot wrong. Ferrari attempted to win the race strategically by having Schumacher go into qualifying with a heavy fuel load so that he would build up speed in the race when Alonso made his pit stops earlier than Schumacher had to. It did not work. Schumacher found himself stuck behind the slower Toyota of Jarno Trulli and never had the opportunity to get close to Alonso. Still, a slight mistake by Kimi Raikkonen allowed Schumacher to get second place but this was little compensation. The championship has gone. The focus must now, inevitably, be switching to 2007.

For this reason, I think Michael Schumacher will give it one last whirl next year. I believe he will be doing so alongside Kimi Raikkonen in the sister Ferrari. The rumour mill has it that Raikkonen does not mind the opportunity of racing against both Fernando Alonso and Michael Schumacher in 2007 - even though the latter will be his team-mate - because it may only be the start of a long and fruitful relationship with the boys from Maranello. This may prove to be a very smart move. Subject to what McLaren are able to do for the reigning world champion, this may be the head start Raikkonen needs.

Speaking of McLaren, I ought to pick Chipo's brain about where next for Juan Pablo Montoya. It has not been confirmed that he is leaving the team but he doesn't seem terribly interested in being at McLaren at the moment. I thought Toyota was an option but the latest news is that they will be retaining Ralf Schumacher and Jarno Trulli (bizarre, I think, because the team's performance has not been great). Perhaps BMW is an option - and Montoya did do rather well in a BMW powered Williams a couple of years ago. We will soon find out.

It's a big race in a big country. Get something big for the barbeque - perhaps a T-bone steak - wash it down with a decent drop of red from the Napa Valley and,

Enjoy Indianapolis!

Gitau

The Canadian Grand Prix

Being Canada is not easy. If you share a border with by far and away the world's most powerful and richest nation it is difficult to carve out a distinctive national identity. Mexico is able to do it because the ethnic influence of the indigenous Mexicans is significantly more pronounced than that of the native Americans and native Canadians. And Mexico is unashamedly Spanish. With a similar colonial history to that of its neighbour to the south and the same cultural domination by the Anglo-Saxons that one sees across the United States, what about Canada makes it unique? The Canadians hit upon a handy solution a long time ago: royalty. "Well, at least we are not ruled by some swaggering Texan who cannot string sentences together," they say to themselves, "our Head of State is none other than the epitome of nobility, Her Majesty The Queen. So there!"

This seemingly handy solution is blighted by a couple of factors. First and most thorny is the Gallic problem. The French have never been too keen on British rule. Nor have the British ever taken very kindly to French ideas about the world. It is no coincidence that Waterloo Station - London's monument to England's defeat of Napoleon Bonaparte - is the railway terminus at which one boards trains going from London through the Channel Tunnel to Paris. The French Canadians do not particularly enjoy handing over dollar bills with Her Majesty's face staring up at them and have repeatedly threatened to take their province, Quebec, into independence. But independence from whom exactly? Canada, Britain or the United States? The second factor is that, in a country a few thousand miles down under, a gang of ex-British convicts have made a far better attempt at asserting their individuality than the Canadians ever will. So what to do then? Well, there is one thing the Canadians do which impresses even the Americans: they host a rather good Grand Prix in Montreal each year! It is a perfect idea. Two birds are felled with one stone. For one glorious weekend the world looks at Canada as Canada and not as USA-lite. At the same time the French are kept happy because the race takes place in Quebec. QED.

It is not receiving pleasure in the misery of other human beings that makes me enjoy crashes. But I do. I simply love them. Nothing spices up a race better than a good crash or two. The Circuit Gilles Villeneuve in Montreal is famous for many things but one more than any other: you are almost guaranteed a crash in a race at this circuit. There are two "crash points". The first is the extremely tight first corner. The second is the final corner which, if misjudged, eliminates cars in an inconveniently located wall. It has been affectionately named the "Wall of Champions" since the 1999 Canadian Grand Prix when three world champions - Michael Schumacher, Damon Hill and Jacques Villeneuve - destroyed their cars by smashing into it. The Wall of Champions put paid to Jenson Button's lead from pole last year. It was also responsible for the only mistake Fernando Alonso made in an otherwise flawless championship winning season. Expect some metal and carbon fibre to be wrecked by the Wall of Champions on Sunday.

Alonso's mistake in Canada last season will be weighing heavily on his mind as he travels to Montreal this weekend. It is psychologically important for him to beat Michael Schumacher in the Canadian Grand Prix for Schumacher's record there ranks with the Gods. No man but Michael Schumacher has won any Grand Prix more than six times. That is a bridge too far for mere mortals. There are three circuits at which Michael Schumacher has won not six but seven Grands Prix: San Marino, France and Canada. If Schumacher wins on Sunday he will create yet another unattainable record: eight wins of the same Grand Prix. Fernando Alonso must not let it happen.

It isn't just Alonso determined to upset the German mastery of the Circuit Gilles Villeneuve. Last year's winner, Kimi Raikkonen, enjoys the speed of the circuit. He is also rather partial to the racy nightlife in Montreal. Raikkonen is sitting pretty at the moment. Rumour has it that he is mulling over two job offers for 2007; one from Ferrari and the other from Renault. He could not have dreamed up a more convenient quandary. Which team should he choose? Both are offering top dollar (Renault finally grew up and realised that they had to open their wallets if they wanted talent), both are superbly reliable and both are capable of providing him with the machinery with which to win the world championship. Does he go for the flair and romance of Ferrari or does he fall into the arms of the well oiled, efficient Renault. Tricky one. I will not be surprised if Raikkonen's final decision rests on whether Michael Schumacher elects to carry on at Ferrari for another couple of seasons (which, I fear, he well may). If you want a crack at the championship you are not going to get it by joining Team-Schumacher. Certainly not.

Kimi Raikkonen's good fortune is Fernando Alonso's ill luck. He is grabbing this season by the neck because he knows there is some urgency to winning a second championship at the end of it. Alonso knows that his decision to move to McLaren may cost him dearly next year - especially with Kimi Raikkonen in the driving seat of a Renault or a Ferrari. I am convinced that Raikkonen would have won last year's championship if McLaren had provided him with a car that didn't keep breaking down. I am sure Alonso knows this better than anybody else. Both Renault and Alonso must be kicking themselves. Had Renault seen sense at the end of last year and agreed to pay Alonso what he was worth, he would not have signed with McLaren. Why would anyone in their right mind leave a generous and successful team? As things turned out Alonso's action, in an uncharacteristic fit of pique, may affect his ultimate destiny as a member of that pantheon I keep talking about.

Much hinges on this weekend. Arm yourself with a good Canadian brew (there are hundreds - have a look at this: http://www.realbeer.com/canada/) and,

Enjoy Canada

Gitau
21 June 2006

PS The race is on at the same time as the England v Ecuador second round, knockout World Cup match. Here is the Gitau test: which will you record and which will you watch?

Soporific Silverstone

I have worked it out. There are demons inside Fernando Alonso's helmet. When he does not have his helmet on he behaves like a rabbit caught in the glare of a car's headlights. He blinks rapidly at the endless camera flashes and responds to questions in a diffident, almost scared manner. You can see him thinking hard about his responses. He does not want to say anything wrong. To watch Alonso before a press conference makes one think of a little boy who has been told by his mother "now look, these are grown-ups here, so behave yourself!" Human beings like to revel in celebrity. They like to bask in the adulation they receive following their achievements. Observe any footballer celebrating after scoring a goal for some idea of what I mean. Not Alonso, though - at least not when he has his helmet off.

When Fernando Alonso dons his racing helmet the demons take over. He becomes a man possessed. In qualifying, nanoseconds into his flying lap, he received a message from his pit-crew telling him that Michael Schumacher had just nailed the pole position. The demons told him to sort this out. Not only did he do so, he did it by a full half second - an eternity in Formula 1 terms. Alonso wins races in his head - or rather, his helmet. Yesterday's British Grand Prix was one of the most boring races ever staged at Silverstone. Alonso had done the maths in his head and knew exactly what he had to do to win the coveted gold trophy. His victory yesterday was eerily reminiscent of the processions Michael Schumacher used to lead in 2002 and 2004. It is no surprise that Michael Schumacher is unnerved by Fernando Alonso. Alonso at the early part of his career, at the tender age of 25, is doing what Schumacher was doing at the top of his game. Unless somebody kills the little Spaniard - or steals his helmet - we could be seeing the beginning of history in the making.

So bothered is Michael Schumacher that he did not even make an attempt at disguising his disappointment. He looked like a man who had swallowed an unpeeled pineapple whole. Normally Schumacher would have been rather pleased with his achievement. Coming second after qualifying third behind Alonso and Kimi Raikkonen was quite an achievement. In fact it was probably the best performance of the afternoon - for Schumacher had to work hard and employ the skills of Ferrari master strategist Ross Brawn to get to where he did. Making an early second pit-stop and coming out flying caught everyone on the hop. Everyone, that is, save the reigning world champion. Schumacher was never going to get anywhere near Alonso. Schumacher had, once again, been out-Schumachered. This he does not enjoy. He tells us that there are still ten races to go and some are at circuits - like Canada - which present very different challenges but I think the seven times world champion is clutching at straws. Fernando Alonso is going to be world champion 2006. The Schumacher era is over.

The Brits always wanted an end to the Schumacher domination. They wanted a home-boy to put on the championship mantle. Smiley Somerset lad, Jenson Button, was supposed to be that boy but seven years and counting he is yet to deliver. Before a home crowd who had paid a minimum of £99 for Silverstone tickets, Button delivered his usual recipe: disappointment. He had a disastrous qualifying session on Saturday which resulted in him starting the race from nineteenth place. He made up for this by driving the wheels off his Honda on Sunday. By the ninth lap he had got up to twelfth place and was chasing down David Coulthard for eleventh position when in his rear view mirror he saw the thing that every driver dreads: flames. His engine had gone the way of so many others and blown up expelling oil all over his tyres. Poor old Jenson was forced to walk the gauntlet of fans while biting his lip to hold back the tears. It was not what the Brits were expecting. The talk now is of the young Brit who won the GP2 race - a super fast fellow called Lewis Hamilton. McLaren have their eyes on him for 2007. An Alonso-Hamilton combination may be just the ticket..

There may be more to this than mere speculation. I think the feeling within McLaren is that it is time for a change. I don't think either of their two current drivers, Juan Pablo Montoya and Kimi Raikkonen are particularly keen on remaining with the team. They both feel let down for two years in a row. Both see themselves as championship contenders and would love to have a car as bullet-proof as Alonso's Renault or Schumacher's Ferrari. 2006 is being viewed resignedly by both drivers. One seeks solace in his family. Juan Pablo Montoya was happily being interviewed with his baby son in his arms ("that's the spitting image of Montoya," said Chipo, "there is no questioning that child's paternity!"). The other has intensified the partying. For Kimi Raikkonen, champagne is supposed to go down one's throat not one's overalls. Whenever he makes it to the podium - as he did in third place yesterday - he makes sure he swigs at least half the magnum of Mumm before he leaves. Look at the cheeky grin on his chops in the subsequent press conferences. The guy appears to be floating. Raikkonen is a cool guy. I like his style.

The season is far from over and lots of things can happen in the ten races to come. But if Fernando Alonso carries on with current form we could be witnessing the crowning of the world champion well before October. Canada is to follow. I look forward to it.

Gitau

12 June 2006

Bahrain delivers an exhilarating start

Three things made me think at the end of yesterday’s Bahrain Grand Prix. The first race of a long season does not always prove to be indicative of the way in which a season will pan out. So many things happen during the course of a season that one hardly ever remembers what happened at the first race when they hand out the championship silver in October. But, unusually, this race provided all the pointers I needed to make early judgments.

First, world champion, Fernando Alonso, has got used to the fact that he is the world champion. His body language last year suggested that all this championship stuff was new to him. He at times seemed uncomfortable about all the attention he was getting; uncertain what to do, even. It was almost as though he was saying to himself “blimey, what am I doing sitting in Michael Schumacher’s chair?” Six months have been sufficient for Alonso to grow used to the idea of being world champion. Where he seemed diffident when facing a barrage of journalists yelling questions and snapping photographs, he now looks serene, confident, happy. He seems like a world champion, in other words. He has even acquired a signature performance. Michael Schumacher’s signature performance is a leap on the top of the podium accompanied by a punch skywards. Fernando Alonso steps out of his cockpit, stands on the nose of his Renault, puts his hands on his hips and arches his back in a duck-like motion first left and then right. It is an announcement. He is saying “look at me, I am world champion and I have nailed this race!”

The second thought provoking thing was perhaps the most important thing that happened in Bahrain yesterday. Quietly and with no fuss, Kimi Raikkonen proved himself to be the consummate overtaking genius. His achievement yesterday should send shivers of fear down the backs of every other world championship contender. Having suffered the misery of a horrible suspension failure in qualifying on Saturday, the Finn had to begin proceedings yesterday from the back of the grid. By the time the chequered flag came down, he had fought his way up to third place and was only seconds behind the winner. along the way Raikkonen saw off not only Jenson Button – who finished fourth – but his own team-mate, Juan Pablo Montoya. If the Mclaren stays reliable (and this is a huge if) Kimi Raikkonen could walk away with this year’s title without having to sweat a great deal. Beware Fernando Alonso, Juan Pablo Montoya and Michael Schumacher for the ice man cometh!

The third thing to stir one’s concentration was the return of the old master, Michael Schumacher. I repeatedly ask myself how Schumacher motivates himself. Before Schumacher only one man had managed to win the F1 world championship five times. Schumacher has seven world titles under his belt. Before this weekend the only F1 record that Schumacher had not broken was the long standing phenomenal achievement of Ayrton Senna in scoring 65 pole positions. In a stunning demonstration of his ability to master rule-changes, Michael Shumacher took his 65th pole position on Saturday. If it was not for the outstanding efficiency of the Renault pit-crew in getting Fernando Alonso’s car re-fuelled and re-booted, Schumacher would have won yesterday’s race. As it happens, he does not seem unduly perturbed about having had to settle for second place. He knows that the Ferrari is back in business and there are still eighteen races to go. There is no doubt about this: Michael Schumacher wants to leave motor racing on a high. Coasting to the end of perhaps his last year in Formula One is simply not an option for the German. He may be the oldest driver in the paddock but there is good reason for the younger chaps to look out.

The most shocking thing for me was the performance of twenty-year old rookie, Nico Rosberg. It certainly looks like there is another flying Finn in the making. He was not born when his father, Keke Rosberg, became F1 world champion in 1982 but he seems to have inherited his father’s abilities. His drive yesterday was simply superb. If he had not made a mistake at the first corner and lost his nose-cone (he is, after all, a rookie – remember Raikkonen a couple of year’s ago) Rosberg could easily have made it to the podium. To achieve the fastest lap and manage two points on your maiden race is an achievement worthy of any champion. His father must be beaming with pride. I really must visit Finland. What is it about this icy northern European country that makes its denizens such outstanding drivers? As a proportion of the population, Finland is by far the most successful motor-racing country. Whether it is the international rally circuit, or F1 racing, Finnish names keep cropping up. There must be something in the water up there.

The verdict of yesterday’s excellent race was that this year’s championship battle will be very close. Two chaps have demonstrated themselves to be equal to Michael Schumacher: Fernando Alonso and Kimi Raikkonen. It is too early to say who has the best possible chance of winning the 2006 championship crown but I can say this,though: it will be one of Michael Schumacher, Fernando Alonso or Kimi Raikkonen.

Malaysia follows in a week’s time. It’s going to be exciting…

Gitau

13 March 2006

The 2006 Season begins in Bahrain

The 2006 Formula 1 season begins, bizarrely, in Bahrain. It is things like this that ruin my mood. The inclusion of Bahrain on the calendar two years ago made me bilious but I accepted reality eventually. I told myself that it was mostly a non-event; an opportunity for the Arabs to show off their money and not really a serious motor sporting occasion. To start the season in Bahrain rather than in beautiful Melbourne (as has been the tradition for the last few years) considerably raises the profile of this most ridiculous of circuits. Remember the story about the camel and the tent? Let the camel put his leg in, then his head and soon it will be you, the owner of the tent, sitting freezing outside while the camel enjoys himself. Blasted Bernie Ecclestone.

Enough about Bahrain, let's focus on the season. There are, after all, eighteen other races on the calendar this year.

There are significant changes to the cars this year. Gone are the grunty V10 engines which we grew to love and respect. In their place are smaller and, allegedly, cheaper V8s. The teams' application of technology is such that I do not expect there to be much of a difference in performance. What I do expect is increased unreliability. My prediction is that reliability and not speed will be the one factor that decides this year's championship

I believe that the two teams with the best prospect of winning the championships (the plural is used deliberately) are McLaren and Renault. Both are very quick and both have very talented drivers driving for them. McLaren have the edge on Renault when it comes to speed but the jury is out on the reliability of the new V8 Mercedes engine.

More than just this year's championship may hang on the reliability of the V8 Mercedes. In a shocking move at the end of last year, Mclaren announced to the world that they had signed on world champion, Fernando Alonso , as a driver for 2007. I do not think Ron Dennis was paying too close attention to the message he was sending to the men he was paying to drive for him in 2006 at the time. The excitement of signing on the young, new world champion was obviously too much for him to contain. Juan Pablo Montoya reacted by immediately making it known that he was on the market for 2007. Kimi Raikkonen did nothing to contradict the open secret that Ferrari wanted him to succeed Michael Schumacher. If the Mercedes keeps blowing up, both drivers WILL walk.

If you look at the earnings figures below, you will see why Alonso chose to move.

Michael Schumacher $62.4 million

Ralf Schumacher $20.4 million

Kimi Raikkonen $14.4 million

Juan Pablo Montoya $13.2 million

Rubens Barrichello $12 million

Jarno Trulli $9.6 million

Fernando Alonso,
Jenson Button,
David Coulthard and
Mark Webber $7.2 million

Giancarlo Fisichella and
Nick Heidfeld $6 million

Jacques Villeneuve $3.6 million

Clearly, Renault are not serious. If the reigning Wold Champion is so far behind all these other drivers in earnings, he is undoubtedly within his rights to be looking for more money. Fernando Alonso is, remarkably, paid the same amount as Mark Webber, Jenson Button and David Coulthard. Neither Jenson Button nor Mark Webber has ever won a race. To the best of my recollection, it has been at least two years since David Coulthard stood on the top step of the podium. What about Ralf Schumacher makes him worth nearly three times more than the World Champion other than the surname he bears? Alonso must have looked at these figures and said "sod this, I am not going to be shafted so blatantly!"

The rumour about is that there may be more to this than meets the eye. It is thought that Renault intend to leave F1 at the end of this season (which would make Alonso’s move a very smart one). This would be a bizarre move given the current dominance of the team. Renault have been using their new found dominance to advertise their road cars lately. Advertisements in magazines and on hoardings all feature Alonso’s winning Renault of 2005. Why give this up? Well, here is a possible answer: Renault is a French company…

If you look at what the bookies are saying, the smart money is on Fernando Alonso retaining his title. Renault are 2-1 (Ladbrokes and SkyBet) to win the constructors' championship again. McLaren are at 9-4 (Bet365). Kimi Raikkonen and Juan Pablo Montoya (10-1 with SkyBet for the drivers' title) Ferrari (5-1 with Paddy Power for the constructors' championship) Michael Schumacher (9-2 with Paddy Power for the drivers' title) Felipe Massa (33-1, general), Rubens Barrichello (20-1, Totesport) Jenson Button (9-1 Blue Square and Paddy Power).

Whatever might be said to the contrary, I cannot see Michael Schumacher wanting to carry on beyond this season. Like Alexander the Great, there are no worlds left for Michael Schumacher to conquer. He may want to go out with a bang by bagging yet another world championship but Ferrari do not seem to have the equipment to allow him to do this. In addition, they are the only major team using Bridgestone tyres which, as we saw last year, are no match for the Michelins used by everybody else. The reintroduction of tyre changes during a race may help the scarlet cars but I think the unbeatable Ferrari-Bridgestone has finally been overhauled. I expect that the super-efficient German may be able to scrape a couple of race victories but my advice is to concentrate on three chaps: Fernando Alonso, Kimi Raikkonen and Juan Pablo Montoya (I am re-designing the living room so that Chipo can find the space for her cartwheels!).

If you are British, you will be yelling at me for ignoring blue-eyed English boy, Jenson Button. This is the season in which he must win a race. Far too much noise has been made about the chap hitherto and his supporters are beginning to express their frustration. To remain a “name” Jenson Button simply has no choice: he has to win a Grand Prix very soon.

Ho hum, then. It may be taking place in Bahrain but it is still a Formula 1 Grand Prix. It is going to be a long season, so start as you mean to continue. Seek out some Bahraini beer (is there any such stuff?), put some skewered bits of lamb under the grill and,

Enjoy Bahrain!

Gitau

Malaysia

I have always been rather fond of Giancarlo Fisichella. For this reason, I am glad he won yesterday's Malaysian Grand Prix. I think he is a very good driver who has been under-rated for the bulk of his career. Neither he nor his minders have ever really allowed his talents to come out and enable him to shine. Like many others before him, though, Fisichella is destined to have his name relegated to a footnote in the motor racing history books. To achieve historical distinction - a name that lives way beyond your retirement from Formula One - you have to become world champion at least once. There is absolutely no substitute. A world championship or nothing.

I thought about this on Friday while chatting with a colleague about the racing action we were both looking forward to. My colleague has been watching Formula One races for many years more than I have but forgets the names of drivers from even relatively recent seasons. "Do you remember Michael Schumacher's maiden Malaysian Grand Prix when he came back to racing after four months recuperating from injury, blew the opposition away and then had to gift the win to Eddie Irvine?" I said. "Oh yes," said my colleague, "I had forgotten about Eddie Irvine, he was quite a character wasn't he?" Eddie Irvine retired at the end of the 1999 season and is already a figure people struggle to remember. This will, inevitably, be the eventual fate of David Coulthard and Ralf Schumacher despite each of them having substantially more F1 victories to their credit than many previous world champions. It is only the world champions who make it to the Formula One pantheon. The names of Jim Clark, James Hunt, Keke Rosberg and Mario Andretti (among a host of others) live on for the simple reason that they won the world championship. In some cases luck played a part in their achieving this most coveted of prizes and worthier drivers were denied ultimate glory but this is as nothing in the final analysis. It is all about being world champion.

Fernando Alonso understands this cold hard fact better than any of the young chaps in the paddock this season. He has already assured himself a place in the pantheon but wants to be considered with the fawning respect accorded to the likes of Jackie Stewart, Nikki Lauda, Alain Prost, Ayrton Senna and, of course, Michael Schumacher. It is for this reason that Alonso declared his second position yesterday to be of greater significance to him than his win last week. The gap between him at the top of the championship table and the next chap has lengthened to seven points; this moves him closer to a second world championship. Alonso's thinking is mathematically strategic. He knows that points mean prizes. Consistent scoring is the secret to being world champion. It is, therefore, for these same thoughts about history that he looks at Michael Schumacher as being his rival; the man likely to stand between him and immortality. It may be irritating to have to deal with people like Jenson Button, Juan Pablo Montoya and Kimi Raikkonen but the man who keeps the reigning world champion awake at night is Michael Schumacher.

I liked the comment made about Kimi Raikkonen yesterday. The TV commentator, James Allen, felt certain that Raikkonen must have wronged someone in his previous life because he seems to suffer nothing but rotten luck. I think drastic action is urgently required. Raikkonen needs to go up the highest mountain in Finland, strip naked and kneel, shivering, before the great God of the Finns. It wouldn't do any harm to take a sacrifice up there with him - perhaps one of the birds from the Helsinki lap-dancing clubs he likes. Only then might he be granted absolution and an opportunity to prove himself on the race track. 2006 is turning out to be a repeat of 2005 for the poor chap. If it isn't unreliable engines (all the blow-ups of 2005) it is unreliable bodywork (like his car's suspension suddenly snapping while on a qualifying lap). As if this isn't bad enough, he is forced to contend with idiots who ram their cars into him and force him into the gravel and out of the race at the first corner - as happened yesterday.

But there is a suggestion that one makes one's own luck. You may be the best man at cutting through traffic irrespective of your grid position but if you are starting the race among the no-hopers at the back, you run the risk of suffering an "event". The words of a long deceased British Prime Minister spring to mind. When asked what he feared most in politics, Harold Macmillan replied sagely "events, dear boy, events".

I have expressed irritation at the FIA before and now I am beginning to get annoyed. Those chaps need to make their minds up. Either we have motor racing or we don't. It is that simple. Some of the cost-cutting measures the FIA has imposed are seriously detracting from the whole point of a Formula One weekend; motor racing. The one engine for two races rule is causing difficulties for teams because it is very difficult to keep the engines reliable while subjected to such heavy use. Teams are therefore forced to demand caution of their drivers. Juan Pablo Montoya was one of the major players who was forced to ease off the throttle for the last fifteen or so laps of the race. He was doing this so as to conserve his fragile Mercedes V8. It is not what Chipo would have expected to see and it is not, I respectfully submit, what Montoya is paid serious money to do. We expect to see flat out action from the moment the lights go out at the start of a Grand Prix. If it means that some engines will blow up, so be it. It is all part of the fun.

Why don't we all just grow up and accept things as they are. Motor racing is a completely pointless event. It does nothing which is of any benefit to anyone. If anything it is a harmful activity. It causes enormous damage to an already fragile environment and is responsible for a woeful mis-allocation of resources. But we KNOW this. We watch it because we enjoy seeing cars driven very fast by drivers competing against each other in tough conditions. We enjoy it because it provides us with entertainment. Nothing in the previous sentence is revelatory. It is a statement of the bleeding obvious. Obvious, I fear, to everyone but the chaps at the Federation Internationale de L'Automobile in Paris. Worryingly, not all of them are French…

Friends, we have a championship battle on our hands. It may be that a little Spanish fellow is inching his way towards greatness. Watch this space.

Gitau

20 March 2006

Astounding Australia

If Fernando Alonso is crowned world champion for the second time at the end of this Formula One season, it will underline an uncomfortable fact: Michael Schumacher should have retired at the end of 2004. Instead the once peerless German is forced to suffer another ignominious racing season after the shambles that was 2005. After picking up five championship trophies in a row, Michael Schumacher got greedy. He wanted five more. Now, as we observe Alonso drive so confidently, accurately and without mistakes, we are seeing the seven times world champion making serious ones.

Running wide and then smashing his Ferrari into a wall showed that Michael Schumacher is getting badly rattled by Alonso. Something was seriously wrong with his eyes yesterday. As if crashing his car in an unforced error wasn't bad enough, he stormed off to the pits in a huff so as to walk into the comfort of his garage. The garage he walked to was covered in red paint, yes, but it had nothing to do with Ferrari. He must have thought he was hallucinating when he could not recognise anybody in the garage. Little surprise there - he was in the Toyota garage! Bad day at the office.

Another chap suffering a bad day was Juan Pablo Montoya. Embarrassingly, he managed to spin his car on the parade lap. This delayed the start and caused Giancarlo Fisichella to lose his concentration and stall at the re-start. Later JPM suffered exactly the same fate as Michael Schumacher. He ran wide and smashed his McLaren into the same wall. "Which idiot put that f***ing wall there?" is probably what he was saying when asked what had happened. Chipo didn't seem terribly bothered. I think most people accept that JPM's focus is on the season to come. His mind is probably exercised by the need to ensure that his choice of team is the right one.

The next move is almost certain to be JPM's last. Rumours of a move to Red Bull - which JPM has denied - have infuriated David Coulthard. "He has just got to shut up and get on with it," said Coulthard. "I can't comment on rumours, I can only comment on fact, and you have just got to get on with the job. I want to carry on with Red Bull next year. Obviously it is a two-way street but I have invested time and effort in my team and I would like to see the results of that," Coulthard said. JPM and Coulthard aren't exactly mates. Each has made derogatory comments about the other in the past. To be replaced at Red Bull after working so hard for it by a man he despises, would feel like a kick in the bollocks for David Coulthard. The trouble for Coulthard is that he has age as a disadvantage. It is not realistic for him to expect to be racing for much longer than two years.

It is instructive that this season's team-changing talk has come so early. Fernando Alonso's brilliance has given him an almost unassailable lead of fourteen points. The manner in which he has done it is inducing panic. Alonso is demonstrating absolute brilliance. He grabs hold of a race by the neck and doesn't let go until the chequered flag comes down. People don't know what to make of it. I have rarely observed such fear. The chap who used to induce this sort of horror was Michael Schumacher a few years ago and he seems to be experiencing the same emotions. What is going on? Yesterday there was crash after crash after yet another crash - and it wasn't even raining. Formula One is becoming exciting for the wrong reasons. I am sure we are all loving it!

All of this is producing bizarre consequences. When did you last see a team deliberatley throwing a race away? Jenson Button must have been prepared to fight with someone yesterday. Against the advice of Michelin Honda chose to use the softer tyre compound on their cars yesterday. This compound produces very little grip at low temperatures - the sort at the start or if the race is interrupted. Well, there were three safety car periods because of all the crashes which was the worst possible news for Jenson Button and Rubens Barrichello. There is a guy at Honda who needs some drama in his life. He obviously wants to be sacked for something dramatic. I mean to say, if the people who make the tyres are telling you something about the tyres isn't it perhaps a good idea to pay attention?

Jenson Button simply had no grip. After superbly grabbing pole position, he was screaming frustratedly into his helmet as driver after driver overtook him with ease. Then some idiot at Honda made a wrong pit-stop call and Button nearly ran out of fuel. Then just as he was about to salvage some respectability and get three points for coming in fifth, ten metres from the finishing line, his engine blew up. I don't think Jenson will want to speak to anyone for a few days. He must be disconsolate. You see, time is benning to run out for the poor chap. He has had more than 100 Grand Prix starts in top teams and has still never won a single race. It is going to be very difficult to negotiate any decent driving deal with as much cash as possible if he cannot point at silverware. Formula One is about winning races and becoming world champion. Jenson Button may have a few pole positions to his name but there is still a big fat zero next to his name when it comes to race wins. How can you be considered a championship contender if you never win?

A team which made the best of a bad lot was McLaren. With one car smashed, at least their ice-man, Kimi Raikkonen was able to earn eight point for himself and the team. It is said by his detractors that he is a boring driver. This puzzles me. What is boring about being fast? I think the argument is that he is a boring human being because of the way he speaks. I have only ever understood when he speaks in English but I reckon he is probably very entertaining when he speaks Finnish. He strikes me as the sort of chap one would enjoy going out for a pint with. Things need to begin working for him if he is to beat Alonso though.

There is a three week gap until the European racing begins at Imola, Ferrari's "home" circuit. Ferrari have tons of work to do. Two years of bad luck may be too much for some fans to take. For a team that endured twenty years in the wilderness and then came back so commandingly, Ferrari are in danger of losing their rag. The Maranello boys need to get working.

Meanwhile, there is a little Spaniard who is quietly working his way towards greatness. And he is only 24...

Gitau

3 April 2006

The Australian Grand Prix

Australians have a lot in common with the Mayor of London, a tough talking London-grown fellow called Ken Livingstone. Plain speaking is the defining characteristic of Livingstone and most Australians. To paraphrase a Welsh journalist of whom I am fond, in the mother of parliaments an honourable gentleman may be guilty of committing a terminological inexactitude. In Ken Livingstone's City Hall he is a lying, cheating scumbag whose kinship to a rat is an insult to honest vermin. Similarly, an Australian will rarely apply the effort required in circumlocution. He will tell it like it is. There is a reason for this: Britain got rid of all its baddies and shipped them to Australia a long time ago. Britain has since learned that things should have been done the other way round. Place a picture of Manchester alongside one of Melbourne and you will see what I am talking about. No wonder then that the Australian Grand Prix is one of the most glamorous events on the Formula One calendar. Its location is simply stunning.

So on we go down under for the third race of this season. If the first two are anything to go by it is too early to call this one. Renault have a good chance; two quality drivers and a very reliable car. Honda look capable for similar reasons. Ferrari have a point to prove and the cooler temperatures of the Albert Park should suit their Bridgestone tyres. McLaren too have demonstrated verve - and a very large fuel tank. Williams are showing themselves as the joker in the pack. I think I'll wait until lap 49 on Sunday before I begin making predictions about the race.

A prediction I did make a few years ago has turned out to be accurate. Everybody moaned desperately about tobacco advertising being banned. Formula One had always relied on the cigarette companies, said the nay-sayers. Lots of money was needed to keep the thing going, they argued. Stop big tobacco and kill Formula One. Well, money seems to move pretty much like cigarette smoke. Create a vacuum and it will be on hand to fill it. Williams - forever associated with Rothmans - found money from computer companies and global insurers. McLaren found it in that other nasty vice: booze. Apart from Bahrain where they were not allowed to advertise booze, McLaren now sport the famous striding figure of Johnnie Walker.
The biggest change - and the source of most of the new cash - was the arrival of the motor vehicle manufacturers. Apart from Ferrari, Formula One teams used to be small independent outfits owned by adventurers. Some were more successful than others, like Frank Williams, but most bowed out gracefully. People like Jackie Stewart, Eddie Jordan and Alain Prost - all of whom owned eponymous teams - eventually sold out when they realised that their coffers could never be large enough. In their place came the names of the manufacturers of cars we know: BMW, Mercedes, Renault, Toyota and Honda. Formula One is now closer to the world of rallying than ever before.

The reason Ferrari was different was simple: Ferrari was primarily a racing team. Selling road cars was a way of raising money for the racing team. Ferrari was invented for Formula One. The founder of Ferrari, Enzo Ferrari, wanted to race a car on Sunday and then sell it to a punter on Monday. In those days F1 cars were not a world away from regular cars but the principle remains the same. The passion at team Ferrari can never be the same anywhere else simply because that is what Ferrari is about: passion. I am thinking about this because I am already thinking about next season. This season is a transitional one for me. The driver moves next year may well dictate what happens for the next four or five.

Fernando Alonso has already said he is going to McLaren. As I have mentioned earlier, the sums Renault are paying make it impossible for him to stay. I wish Renault would grow up on this, I really do. I think Alonso would do better staying at Renault. McLaren is not the team to join for two reasons. First, reliability is a major problem. Kimi Raikkonen could well be a double world champion as I write this had it not been for two seasons of appalling reliability. The second reason is simply this: Ron Dennis, the team boss, is an arsehole (I wonder what Ken Livingstone would have to say about him if he is brave enough to call the US ambassador to the Court of St James "a chiselling little crook"!). Both existing McLaren drivers will probably move next year. I think something about the Ferrari passion excites Raikkonen. I haven't worked out where I think Juan Pablo Montoya will go yet (perhaps Chipo has). I would hazard a guess and say Toyota. Toyota are seething with fury at having outspent everybody - including Ferrari - and still remained mediocre. JPM may be the jump-start they need.

I have just received an e-mail message from a buddy in Melbourne. It is raining in Melbourne and more rain is forecast for the weekend…

I don't see Castlemaine XXXX in the shops any more, so I can only recommend that you stock up on the Fosters (it is, after all, the official beer of Formula One), crack open a can or two on Sunday and,

Enjoy Melbourne!

Gitau

31 March 2006

A return to grace at Imola - well, sort of...

The Sangiovese was-a very nice. The race was so boring that I realised I was wasting the moment. The solution was simple. A decent drop of red had to be accompanied by something worthwhile - and Italian. I got out Giacomo Puccini's Turandot, put it on at high volume with the television on mute and sank back into my chair. Then things looked different. All I could see was a blood red Ferrari driven by a chap in a red helmet floating along. It was beautiful. I began to sing. Alas, it did not last. I made the mistake of attempting to do a Pavarotti. I had got myself to within glass-cracking pitch when Chipo walked into the room. No more Puccini, I am afraid. The television sound was restored. I then had to watch the race.

The last decent album Prince produced came out in 1991. It was aptly titled Diamonds and Pearls and had a cracking song called Cream. The point was that cream rises to the top. I quickly realised that yesterday's race was about the cream of the crop. Michael Schumacher had been summoned to the mountain top. He had been told that the meaning of life in Italy was at stake. Things had not been good in Italy for a while. The capo di tutti capi (the Mafia boss of all bosses) had been arrested in Corleone because he had insufficient clean underwear (his system of relaying messages to his missus had gone awry and the cops had managed to intercept the courier delivering the freshly laundered Y-fronts). The other mafia guy - a chap who had sworn to abstain from shagging if the Italians gave him their vote - was refusing to give up the Prime Ministership. The Pope was German. Things had to change. "Michael Schumacher, you are the cream!" the cry went out. "Save us from our misery," the Italians beseeched. And Schumacher - like the noble, honorary denizen of Maranello that he is - delivered the goods. The tifosi were, once again, able to cry tears of joy as the Ferrari anthem rang out through the speakers at Imola.

The message yesterday was clear. Never mind that your equipment may be inferior. If you can outthink your opponents you will rise to the top. And so we saw it. It was a race between two world champions, Fernando Alonso and Michael Schumacher. Alonso had the superior car. He was faster, much faster. But Schumacher out-thought him. Timing his pit-stops to perfection and using his Ferrari as a road-block, Michael Schumacher grinned to himself as he looked in his wing mirrors and observed a little Spaniard getting rattled. The tifosi fell to their knees and wept. "Belissimo!" they cried. The bells rang out throughout Imola.

If you are a Ferrari fan take comfort in the fact that your man won his home race for you. There will be few more sweets available for you to suck this year. Renault are, once again, the class of the field. But that is not the only bad news for you. The McLaren-Mercedes package is working Juan Pablo Montoya did not have to work too hard to gain his first podium of the season. McLaren look like they are in top form. If anything, yesterday's result tells me that, notwithstanding the genius of the German in the red overalls behind the wheel of the blood-red car, this year's championship will be fought between Renault and Mclaren. It is now safe to put money on Fernando Alonso. I am calling it early, folks. Alonso will be world champion again.

I don't think that Jenson Button receives my commentaries (Chipo, if you have his e-mail address, by all means forward them to him) but this is not the sort of news that he wants to hear. He is not a lucky man. When you sit in your car and race it round a circuit you have to do more than trust your driving skill. You also have to put your fate in the hands of a pit-crew of twenty-odd chaps. If any one of those chaps has it in for you or is having a bad day because his missus burned dinner on the previous night, your race could be destroyed. Jenson Button rolled up for new tyres and some fuel. The chap holding the lollipop in front of him to tell him when to go decided to release him, while the fuel nozzle was still attached to the body of his Honda. Result: chaos. Button put his foot on the accelerator and found himself dragging a refuelling rig and five chaps with him. At this point the lollipop guy decided to bring his lollipop down - on Jenson's head! You really couldn't make this up. To my English friends I say this: you stand a better chance of winning the football world cup than a Formula One world championship any time soon.

What happened to Kimi Raikkonen? I have the inside story. On Wednesday he was in Club Bundolo in Helsinki. Some bastard, obviously jealous of the vast number of tenners Raikkonen was able to stuff down the knickers of obliging honeys, decided to nick his Omega. Now, an Omega is no big deal for a chap as well paid as Raikkonen. But this was his lucky Omega. He cannot race without it. This upset him a lot. It may be a while before he recovers his composure. I gather they are recruiting some new Czech birds to help him regain his equilibrium in time to restore his championship chances..

Ferrari are not back, Alonso is still leading the championship and the next race is in Germany. Where did I put the cyanide…

Gitau

24 April 2006

Ferrari's Home Race

If you only began watching Formula One racing in 2006, you might, just might, be forgiven for entertaining speculation that Michael Schumacher is negotiating a drive for next season with another F1 team. Rumour has it that he has been offered a job at Renault, his old team, which, when he drove for it, styled itself "Benetton". If you have been watching F1 for longer and have given this ridiculous notion a moment's consideration you ought to be ashamed of yourself. I have said this before many times. More times than I care to count. I have said it ad nauseum. I will say it again: Scuderia Ferrari is Team Schumacher. Michael Schumacher may not be the principal shareholder of Fiat, the company which ultimately owns Ferrari, but where the racing team is concerned - and remember, Ferrari is a racing team which happens to manufacture road cars - he could just as well be. Michael Schumacher will leave Ferrari when he chooses to leave motor racing. He will never ever drive for another team. Never.

Michael Scumacher's history with Ferrari is one of the most remarkable affairs ever known in motor racing. He joined Ferrari as World Champion in 1996. He could have walked into any Formula One team because he was by far and away the most valuable commodity in F1 racing. All the top teams were screaming for him to come in and write his own pay cheque. He refused. Instead he chose to join a team which had last won a championship before Schumacher had reached puberty. Ferrari, however, had a heritage like no other team. It was a crap F1 team in 1996 but it had the biggest, most adored, most powerful name in motor racing anywhere in the world. Ferrari was about flair, romance and beauty. "What colour is a Ferrari?" a little boy was heard to ask his father as the pair stood by the side of the Autodromo Enzo e Dino Ferrari in Imola. "Blood red, son," came the reply, "blood red". The name "Ferrari" evoked emotion. It brought tears to the eyes of grown men. While walking in Knightsbridge with Chipo some years ago, I saw a Japanese girl staring at a parked Ferrari in rapt amazement. "Ferrari," I whispered. The girl blushed. There was no need to say more. We both knew what we were talking about.

If Schumacher achieves nothing else in his driving career, he will have this as his epitaph: "the man who restored greatness to Ferrari". No greater accolade can be paid to a racing driver. It is the holy grail. Now, stop reading for a moment and think for thirty seconds. Do you still think it is possible for Michael Schumacher to leave Ferrari and join Renault? There, see now why I say it is impossible? Feel free to sneer derisively at anyone who ever dares spout such twaddle again.

So, now that is cleared up, let us turn our minds to this weekend's Formula One action. We will be watching events in Imola a few miles away from Maranello, the town where they make Ferraris. I believe that this is the race which will make Michael Schumacher's mind up for him. If his car is uncompetitive at Imola this weekend he will retire from F1 at the end of this season. For Imola represents the best opportunity Michael Schumacher has of winning a race this season. It is Ferrari's home race. It is suited to Bridgestone tyres. He has won it more times than anybody else. And it is the place where his hero, Ayrton Senna, died.

World champion, Fernando Alonso, the youngest grown-up in Formula One, has all but accepted that he will not win the race on Sunday. Alonso's middle name must be "Pragmatic". He understands better than the idiots at Honda and elsewhere that the world championship is not about race wins. It is about points. He has said that he will be more than satisfied with coming second on Sunday because it will serve significantly to extend his lead in the championship stakes (currently fourteen points). I expect, therefore, that Renault will be adopting a conservative strategy this weekend.

The man to look out for is Kimi Raikkonen. Have you ever looked at a chained dog? It yanks at the chain with increasing annoyance. When you release it, it darts across the field furiously until it exhausts itself. Raikkonen feels like a chained animal. He sleeps with his foot pressed firmly down an imaginary accelerator. Look at the way his nostrils flare when he is putting on his helmet. This guy is serious. Rumour has it that he has been offered free membership at his favourite lap dancing joint in Helsinki if he wins this race. I think that is sufficient incentive. Don't you?

I have decided to upgrade my enjoyment of watching motor racing in Italy. I am not going to get a six pack of Peroni or Nastro Azurro this year. Oh no. I have gone out and bought a decent bottle of red wine from the Emilia Romagna region ("is-a verry good-eh!"). I will be drinking the Sangiovese and chewing on some prosciutto from my local Italian deli while I watch the battle to the first corner. I expect, therefore, that like you, I will,

Enjoy Imola!

Gitau

21 April 2006

Ferrari do their thing at the Nurburgring

Imagine you are driving a car at 175 miles an hour. I know it is difficult because most human beings have never done it, but try. Not in a straight line but round a twisty circuit. The sheer effort of keeping the car on the black stuff will strain every sinew in your body. You will suffer. You will concentrate harder than you have ever concentrated. As if that isn't enough, you have to avoid colliding with cars, you have to look out for cars behind you, you have to remember to take a swig of water from time to time, you have to look out for various flags. All the while you are changing gears, remembering to brake at the optimum point and trying to work out what your fellow competitors are doing. Phew! And then some bloke from your team radios in and starts saying things into your ear-piece. He tells you that you need to increase your pace by a second a lap for the next three laps. I will bet you any money that your reaction will be to swear volubly at him. Unless, of course, your name happens to be Michael Schumacher.

I don't enjoy the taste of humble pie. It makes me feel silly when I have to eat it, so I am walking about with a face like a wet Wednesday (I got soaked in a downpour this morning - so that hasn't helped things either). I got it wrong. Forget about Michael Schumacher retiring at the end of this season. He won't. Forget about Ferrari being washed-up. They are not. Ferrari are back. Yesterday was vintage Ferrari; a Brawn-engineered-Schumacher-driven performance. Schumacher began the race behind pole-setter and world champion Fernando Alonso. He stuck to the back of Alonso's car like glue. He inhaled Alonso's dirty exhaust fumes for lap after lap after lap. Edge of the seat stuff.

The strategy was two pronged: either force the leader to make a mistake or leap-frog him in the pit-stops. Neither driver made any errors. Both drove superlatively. The stage was set for master strategist Ross Brawn. At the first round of pit stops. Renault brought Alonso in ahead of Schumacher. Schumacher stayed out for one more crucial lap while Ross Brawn calculated how much fuel had gone into Alonso's Renault. When Schumacher came in at the end of his lap, he knew that he would emerge behind Alonso; thus making Renault and Alonso think they were in the clear. Oh no. Come the second round of pit-stops, Ferrari knew exactly when Alonso was going to come in. Once he did, the instruction was delivered to the mighty Michael Schumacher. "You have three laps, matey," they said. "Jawohl!" replied the German, "zis I can do!" Not only did he find the necessary three or so seconds, he found about seven. I had forgotten what Chipo once told me. "Michael Schumacher is an android," she said. That is the problem. I should have realised this on Saturday after qualifying. In the press conference Alonso looked like a lobster. Schumacher looked like he had been down the road for a casual stroll.

The chap who should have come third, honey-loving Kimi Raikkonen, found his path blocked by the other Ferrari of Felipe Massa. The Brazilian was delighted at his eventual third place. It was his first ever visit to the podium. The last time I saw a chap spray champagne with such vim was the farcical United States Grand Prix of 2005. All the teams except Ferrari and Jordan had boycotted the race. Jordan was such a no-hoper that its Russian owner had promised a million dollars to any driver who made it to the podium. Nobody expected that he would have to pay out. But, as things turned out, Tiago Monteiro - useless rookie - found himself on the third step of the podium. While the Ferrari drivers hung their heads in shame and took the boos and catcalls of the American crowd without touching their precious bottles of Mumm, Monteiro went crazy. He was leaping up and down and spraying champagne like a man possessed - never mind that he had come third in a race of only four cars. This was Massa yesterday. If Ferrari continue to do as well as this, Massa will soon develop a taste for bubbly. And rather good bubbly too!

So the party was ruined for McLaren by Ferrari but it was also partly ruined for Honda. Rubens Barrichello showed that he is finally getting used to the car and secured a worthy fifth place. His team-mate, our old English friend Jenson Button, should have squeezed in behind him at sixth place. Unfortunately this was not the plan his engine was working towards. His engine was designed - by some idiot I suppose - to last only 28 laps. No more. Sure enough, in lap 29, Bang! Somebody up there does not like Jenson. There is a street guy I know in Brixton who offers "praying services". You pay him for each prayer and he adjusts the price depending on the intended purpose. If you want a promotion at work, he charges £100. To gain the favour of a woman is dependent on the appearance of the woman. If she is a babe he charges £1,000. If she is, well, wanting in the looks department, he charges £50. I shall see if I can negotiate a fee for prayers for Button. He needs them. Watch this space.

It is only a week until Fernando Alonso has to face his home crowd in Barcelona. Everyone in Spain desperately hopes that they won't be seeing a German leaping and punching the air on the podium on Sunday. The King of Spain, Juan Carlos I, personally attends the Spanish Grand Prix and is on hand to dish out the silverware at the end of the race. He is a genial fellow but I rather think that even he will not be smiling as broadly as is his wont if he has to shake hands yet again with Michael Schumacher.

It is only a week away. So much to do, so little time…

Gitau

8 May 2006

The European Grand Prix at the Nurburgring

As I emerged from Blackfriars railway station yesterday morning, there were four chaps dressed as Inspector Clouseau handing out freebies. As I got closer I realised that each was handing everyone who proffered their hand a packet of crisps and a packet of mixed nuts. "Have some Nobby's Crisps," they were saying, "nibble Nobby's Nuts!" As I nibbled on Nobby's' nuts later, I began to realise that desperation was creeping into the world of advertising.

With so many television channels available and so many different ways in which people can amuse themselves these days, it is becoming increasingly difficult to advertise things. Why spend millions shooting a snazzy television commercial if only a few thousand people will ever watch it. Worse, people are finding ever more innovative ways of avoiding annoying commercials. With digital quality recording now cheap and easily accessible, I find, like many others, that I very often choose to watch Formula One races at moments of my choosing rather than the times dictated by the TV company. This way I can avoid the interruptions of advertising and replay bits which I want to see again. This is why Nobby lets me nibble his nuts for nothing. How else will he get noticed?

The woes of the advertising world are not a million miles away from Formula One. Over the years it has become ever more difficult to keep the punters interested. If you stay at home, there is a plethora of other things you can watch on television. If you begin to consider going to a racing circuit to watch a Grand Prix live, what weighs heavily on your mind is the sheer cost of doing so. If you do shell out whatever it costs to get to a racing circuit you will be pleasantly surprised to find that the Formula One racing is almost a non-event. You will be regaled by a race among equally matched turbo Porsches, another involving Lamborghinis and one involving vintage cars. As if that isn't enough, you will have parachuting displays, aerobatic demonstrations and, the icing on the cake, baton-twirling pit-babes wearing next to nothing. You may also get to do a Chipo and strong-arm your favourite racing driver into signing a programme for you.

At races like the Belgian Grand Prix at Spa, none of this sideshow stuff is strictly necessary. The circuit is so outstanding that even if all you see is Sunday's Grand Prix you leave with your hand propped against your chin to keep your jaw from repeatedly dropping. This is what the Nurburgring ring was once like. In the days of the super-circuit (of which we have only Spa left - and not this year, alas), the Nurburgring ring stood head and shoulders above every other. It was not a circuit for the faint-hearted. To drive the 14 mile daredevil circuit at full-tilt required superhuman courage and a little lunacy. Nikki Lauda, a man with his colours firmly placed in the Formula One pantheon, suffered one of the worst accidents ever at the Nurburgring in 1976 when his Ferrari crashed and burst into flames. The consequence was an abandonment of the old circuit and construction of today's soulless race-track. The European Grand Prix at the Nurburgring ring is not a race that gets my pulse racing. On a day with no rain and no crashes, it can be terribly bland.

Notwithstanding this, Michael Schumacher likes the Nurburgring. He considers it to be his home circuit since it is the closest race-track to his home town of Kerpen. He knows how to win at the Nurburgring (well, truth be told, he knows how to win just about anywhere!) and has smelled an opportunity since his masterful performance at Imola a fortnight ago. I am keen to see whether I will be proved right in my assertion that there has yet to be a resurgence of Ferrari greatness. If Ferrari are to demonstrate that they are as competitive as Renault or McLaren they need to perform a show of strength this weekend. Schumacher needs to win if he is going to be within a shout of challenging for the world championship.

I fear, though, that Fernando Alonso is out-Schumachering Schumacher. Michael Schumacher has repeatedly demonstrated that the way to win the world championship is to pump in as many points as you possibly can in the early races. The season is all downhill thereafter. The three names at the top of the championship table are Fernando Alonso, Michael Schumacher and Kimi Raikkonen, in that order. But Fernando Alonso is so far ahead of his competitors that it is almost impossible to overhaul him. With 36 points (having scored in every race and come no worse than second) he has 15 points more than Schumacher and twice as many as Raikkonen. He would still be more than a race ahead of Schumacher if he came second on Sunday and Schumacher won the race.

This emphasises the urgency of the situation for Kimi Raikkonen. He is in negotiations for his 2007 drive as I write this. He has admitted that he is speaking to McLaren, Ferrari AND Renault. His bargaining power is diminished the longer he leaves things and the further behind Alonso he falls. And he is one miffed Finn. The offer of shares in the club where he has secured many a tenner with the elastic of a dancing girl's knickers has been quietly withdrawn. He has threatened to start his own lap and pole dancing club called "Ice Tits" but he wants to do some racing first. He has the benefit of racing at the home race of Mercedes-Benz, suppliers of McLaren engines. Mercedes are trying out a new engine this weekend and Raikkonen has the advantage over his team-mate, Juan Pablo Montoya, because of the silly two race per engine rule. The two drivers are out of sync in the engine change stakes. JPM had a new engine for Imola, so he has to use it again at the Nurburgring.

Engine change or not, we are rapidly coming to the point at which Honda will lose their patience with their drivers. Rubens Barrichello may perhaps be forgiven for his less than stellar performance thus far because he is having to get used to a car that is not nearly as well engineered as the Ferrari he drove for so many years. Not so Jenson Button. When a chap defends himself with the words "I can win a Grand Prix, you know" it is time to worry. The ground has shifted. This is the chap who not very long ago spoke of beating Michael Schumacher to the world championship…

Ignore my pooh-poohing of the Nurburgring. There have been some riveting races there in recent years. And Germany is the home of lager and sausage. My local deli guy is versatile. He has got me some bratwurst (blood sausage) and I have obtained a few sneaky bottles of Furstenberg Pilsener. There should, therefore, not be any reason why I like you ought not to,

Enjoy the Nurburgring!

Gitau

5 May 2006

The Spanish Grand Prix

Remember this: you read it here first. The world is changing, my friends. Take some advice. Go out and buy yourself a "Teach Yourself Spanish" book. It may be the one thing that keeps you involved. You will be grateful for it.

Before the British and the French woke up to the possibilities the world presented, the Spanish and the Portuguese had been carving up the world between themselves for centuries. They laid very deep roots. When they left and remained quiet while the rest of Europe was partying in Africa and Asia, the roots remained undisturbed. Some huge baobab-like trees are now sprouting on both sides of the Atlantic. In the mighty United States of America there has been an unwritten rule: "Hey Latino buddy, you're welcome here if you wanna bus tables, clean the bathroom, take out the trash and feed the babies, but don't you ever dare speak" As the number of Latino's from the vast continent that is Greater America has risen in Uncle Sam's own territory, the confidence they feel has been slowly rising. Last week they dared to do the unspeakable. They dared to challenge the very foundations of the "American" way of life. They, horror of horrors, sang the anthem of the great United States of America - the richest, toughest, most arrogant country in the universe - in Spanish. Oh Christ. The Star Spangled Banner became Nuestro Himno. "A la luz de la aurora," they sang in place of "by the dawn's early light".
"Bastardos!" spluttered Texan tough guy, George Dubya Bush. "I'll nuke the sons of bitches. How dare they! Texan-English is the American language!"

On this side of the Atlantic, the Spaniards - long viewed as a swarthy uncivilised lot who knew not a great deal more than dancing flamenco and cooking paella - had been permitted entry into the hallowed corridors of the European Union in the 1980s. Slowly they began doing things like the rest of the Europeans. They began making cars and trains. They became top scientists. Their economy began to look exactly like the economies of their richer neighbours. Inevitably, the Spanish were permitted to host Formula One races. The understanding was clear. "Build circuits and hospitality facilities and we will come, race there and enjoy spraying some Cava, but don't think you can have your chaps winning races, still less winning world championships!" So, they built circuits in places like Jerez and the Circuit de Catalunya but stuck to the rule. No Spanish driver ever won a Grand Prix.

Enter Fernando Alonso. He looked around him and thought "hang on, we're on the same level as the Germans and the French now. What's so special about these people anyway?" He joined a no-hoper team called Minardi and learned his way round a Formula One circuit. Skilled mastery of F1 telemetry earned him a place at Renault. He won his first Grand Prix in Hungary in 2003 - the youngest person ever to stand on the top step of an F1 podium - but people failed to pay attention; it was Hungary after all. In 2004 he kept on improving. By the time the world stood up and paid attention, he was well on the way to becoming the 2005 Formula One World Champion - the youngest ever. Spain was saying something. "So you thought that we were only overlords five hundred years ago, did you? Well, think again. Can we wipe the floor with your buttocks? Sí se puede" (yes, it can be done).

So on we go to Spain to be the guests of His Majesty King Juan Carlos I at the Circuit de Catalunya in Montjuic just outside beautiful Barcelona. This is a popular race because Barcelona is such an amazing place. It’s one of my favourite cities. I took Chipo there a few years ago. She made the cardinal error of believing a Finnish chap who told her that the refreshing-looking red drink in a frosted jug before her was cranberry juice and not Sangria. Bad idea. My Finnish friend, Kimi Raikkonen, could do with learning this sort of Finnish trickery. He needs to play a few mind games with Fernando Alonso and Michael Schumacher before it becomes too late for him to do anything about this year's world championship. While he is at it, he might want to confuse his team-mate Juan Pablo Montoya.

You see, JPM represents the other baobab tree. His Colombian homies supply a good deal of the labour and most of the cocaine consumed in the United States of America. He has struggled a bit so far this season but in Barcelona he is in virtual home territory. The babes blowing kisses at him will also be screaming in his mother-tongue. When he orders some Carnes y Aves in his hotel room for his pre-race day dinner they will know what he is talking about. Things like this make a guy feel good. And when JPM is feeling good he can be devastatingly brilliant. The omens look good for him. Best of all, he has a brand new engine for this race.
The only chap I can see ruining the Iberian party is that German android called Schumacher. The best anybody other than him has ever done in Spain is win three Grands Prix. Michael Schumacher will be chasing his seventh Spanish trophy…

But let’s not think like this. We are going to know we are watching the Spanish Grand Prix, folks. The Spaniards make sure of it. Since they won the battles so many centuries ago we might as well accept that the world is theirs. So, let’s be humble in defeat and embrace everything Spanish this weekend. Let’s blow our horns for Fernando Alonso and wave our flags for Juan Pablo Montoya.

While we are at it we might as well enjoy ourselves. I fully intend to anyway. That is why I placed a call to Guiseppe (my genius Deli guy) and asked him to get me some Jamón Ibérico which I will be washing down with a decent drop of Rioja as, like you, I

Enjoy Barcelona!

Gitau

11 May 2006

Alonso does it at home

His Majesty King Juan Carlos of Spain was more excited yesterday than Fernando Alonso. If his minders could have allowed him, he would have grabbed hold of Alonso's magnum of champagne and sprayed it around the podium. He was itching to do it. Being King can be difficult sometimes. You're forced to act regal when all you want is to be a regular guy. The sort of guy who is not embarrassed about being an excitable fan. The King was all over Alonso like a rash before the race. Right up to the very last minute he was whispering to the young driver "don't let us down, Fernando. Spain needs you today!" At the end of the race, up on the podium with the victorious young Spaniard, King Juan Carlos wanted to scream and leap up and down. So much so that the young world champion had to tell him to chill. "Hey," said Alonso to the King, "we can do these things!"

And do them he certainly can. Alonso was told the secret when he was born. While his mother nursed him to the tender tones of a song called "Fernando" by a Swedish group called Abba, she told him that being Spanish meant everything. "One day you will fulfil your destiny, my dear little boy. 'Fernando' will mean more than a song sung by some Swedes who felt so anxious about acceptability that they chose to abandon their mother-tongue and sing in English. Spain will be back, Fernando. Spain will be back." Fernando gurgled away in cheery acceptance of this message. We are seeing it, folks. It is happening. One hundred and thirty thousand crying Spaniards at the Circuit de Catalunya yesterday was enough evidence of this. Spain went berserk yesterday. For the first time in the history of Spain a Spaniard had won the Spanish Grand Prix. As James Allen said, for the Spanish it was like Christmas, Easter and your birthday all rolled into one.

Oddly, Alonso does not behave like a typical Latin. He might have done a little leap on the top step of the podium and made an attempt at punching the air in Schumacher fashion but it wasn't him. The guy is so relaxed, so calm, so professional that you have to marvel at him. He approached the weekend's challenge with professor-like efficiency. The last guy who used to do this, Alain Prost, was dubbed "the Professor". But even the Professor was nowhere near as talented a driver as Fernando Alonso. Having qualified on pole with master strategist Michael Schumacher two places behind him, he knew the race was going to be about mistakes. Make none and you win. It sounds easy but it is not. People tend to get rattled when they are in a strategic race against the Ross Brawn-Michael Schumacher combination. Not Alonso. Schumacher and Brawn did all they could but it was just not enough. Alonso was too good.

Quite apart from the resounding result for Spain and the expanding gap in the world championship stakes, yesterday's race was mind-numbingly boring. More akin to a procession than anything remotely resembling a motor race. It took us back to the Schumacher-led processions of 2002. This is not what it is meant to be like. The only exciting moment came at the start. Kimi Raikkonen, clearly not getting enough excitement in Helsinki, performed a kamikaze overtaking move at the start. He said to himself "if McLaren won't give me the equipment with which to do the job, the only way I am going to get anywhere is forget about the risk of dying." I can't remember when I last saw such crazy stuff. The man is nuts. I don't know what it will take to calm him down. Not content with the excitement generated by scouring Europe personally interviewing applicants for his soon-to-be-opened "gentlemen's pleasures" club, Ice Tits, in Helsinki ("no clothing required for the interview," says the advert. "Bare minimum: 36C"), Raikkonen wants to flirt with death.

Raikkonen's team-mate, Juan Pablo Montoya, is having a woeful season. "Home advantage" can cut both ways. If you insist on partying in Barcelona until the wee hours and then drive a 66 lap motor race a few hours later, concentration will not be terribly high on the agenda. You don't go singing "Guantanamera" down La Rambla while swigging from a large bottle of freshly mixed Sangria at 3:00 am and then expect to win a Grand Prix. Things like that lead to mistakes. Juan Pablo made a huge one yesterday. Whistling "Guantanamera" to himself, he missed the apex of a corner and spun himself out of the Grand Prix. Chipo was not impressed. It is frustrating to see such a talented driver throwing away perhaps his last ever chance of becoming world champion.

It’s a pity about JPM because the Latins are in their element at the moment. Hugo Chavez, a guy with no fear of George Bush despite living in his back yard was in London yesterday. He has no time for Tony Blair and dropped in instead on Mayor Ken Livingstone - another well known firebrand. Chavez like his buddy Evo Morales in Ecuador can afford to stick two fingers up at Washington and London. He controls the second largest reserves of oil in the world. Venezula can pretty much do what it jolly well pleases - stuff the Untited States. Morales in Ecuador, meanwhile has some oil and loads of gas. He recently booted out all the multinationals from his oil and gas fields. The Latins are making a statement. A very powerful one.

The Latin whose statement on the motor racing circuit was powerfully made yesterday is going to be world champion 2006. Mark my words.

Gitau

15 May 2006

The Monaco Grand Prix

"Monaco is like Lamu," said Rashid Khamis sagely. I was waiting for him to say more. He did not. Instead he extracted a packet of cigarettes from the folds of the long sheet he wore in place of a pair of trousers, lit a cigarette and dreamily stared out to sea.

I must admit, I was perplexed. Here I was sitting with Chipo in a dhow sailing away from Lamu "airport" (on the mainland) towards Lamu island. The dhow was manned by a Swahili chap who doubled up as a luggage porter. And this chap was talking about Monaco. What? First, I could not see how Lamu bore any relation to Monaco. Monaco is renowned for annually hosting the most prestigious motor racing event in the world. There are no cars on Lamu island, only donkeys. Secondly, what the devil did a semi-literate porter sailing a fifteenth century Arab vessel in the Indian Ocean know about Monaco? Thirdly, what was the context of this fellow's curious statement?

The truth is that nothing about Monaco is "normal" or ordinary. It is a very densely populated playground for the super-rich. There is no place like it on the planet. It exists for no greater purpose than to service sybaritic desires. Monaco is about luxury and excess. This is what makes it the ideal location for a Formula 1 event. Formula 1 adds nothing to enhance human existence. In fact it does the reverse. Formula 1 is about a colossal waste of resources and woeful environmental damage. But then Formula 1 is also about the human love of luxury and glamour. That is why Formula 1 exists. Ditto Monaco. Swigging champagne and playing roulette in fancy casinos does not contribute greatly to poverty eradication and world peace. But it is fun. No surprise, then that the most prestigious event on the Formula 1 calendar by a very long chalk is the Monaco Grand Prix.

Rashid Khamis did know something about Monaco. You see, he unlike most of us poor people on this planet, had been there more than once. Bizarre, I thought. Unbelievable, even. But true. The reason was a lot more prosaic than you might think. Prince Albert II, ruler of Monaco and famous international playboy, likes to end each year on holiday in Lamu. He has a holiday home there. Rashid Khamis had faithfully served the Prince in Lamu on several occasions and, for his trouble, had been rewarded with trips to Paris and Monte Carlo. Lucky bastard! I still struggle to understand where he saw the similarities between a tiny, millionaire-infested principality on the French Riviera and an Indian Ocean island off the impoverished East African coast. Perhaps Rashid saw Monaco in Lamu as he negotiated his way round the handful of yachts anchored in the Lamu bay but I still can't see it. None of the yachts belong to the Waswahili, as far as I know, and could well be simply stopping off in Lamu before heading home to Monaco!

I like to look out for the celebrities at the start of every Monaco Grand Prix. Puff Daddy turned up a couple of years ago with a massive, unlit, cigar in his mouth and Naomi Campbell on his arm. Last year Elle McPherson was seen struggling to get her face into the picture while Boris Becker hogged the TV microphone. David Beckham was modelling a new tattoo for the cameras in Monaco not too long ago. You have to be seen at the Monaco Grand Prix if you have any desire to stay on the A list of celebrities. You get your agent to do the rounds discreetly scrounging invites so that you are there as the guest of, say, Bernie Ecclestone or Flavio Briatore. Formula 1 is irrelevant. It is all about being seen at the right event!

Who will be the driver privileged enough to approach Prince Albert's tent on Sunday afternoon and receive the most coveted trophy in motor racing? Will it be last year's winner, Kimi Raikkonen? Are we, perhaps, going to see Fernando Alonso being the first Spaniard to add his name to the list of winners going back as far as 1929 - farther than any other race? Is Michael Schumacher finally going to equal Ayrton Senna's record of six wins at Monaco? The truth is that predicting the winner of the Monaco Grand Prix is well nigh impossible. No circuit produces more surprises than Monaco.

If it was not for the glitz and the history, a race round the narrow streets of Monte Carlo would have been banned a very long time ago. There are no run-off areas for cars to recover into when drivers make mistakes and spin off the circuit. Make a mistake in Monaco and your race is over. You will crash your car into the barriers and wreck it beyond driveability. The dramatic changes of speed are truly something to gape at. 20 mph round Casino Square and then 180 mph through the tunnel. Stunning. Not a race for the faint hearted. It is no surprise then that the master of Monaco, the only man to have won the race six times - five of them consecutively - was none other than the racing master, Ayrton Senna.

The lack of space at this circuit makes overtaking hellishly difficult. With the new qualifying format, I expect, therefore that Saturday's qualifying will probably be even more exciting than Sunday's race. Every driver will be doing all they can in the first shoot-out session so as not to be dropped from the next session. The anxiety will be such that mistakes will be made. I will not be in the slightest bit surprised if incidents cause the session to over-run its allotted hour. Look out for tempers and the odd tantrum.

I can't predict very much about the race but I can certainly predict this: it is going to be exciting. Guiseppe, my genius deli guy, has promised me "a fantastico surprise-ah". I am looking forward to it. Guiseppe never disappoints. Neither does the Monaco Grand Prix. Do it in some style. Make the most of a great race. Above all,

Enjoy Monaco!

Gitau

26 May 2006

The British Grand Prix

The British have an irritating habit of being smug. They colonised the world and won't let us forget about it. They also invented most of the games played in the world, including the biggest, football, and have claimed a proprietary interest in the beautiful game ever since. Never mind that these things have little or no influence on Britain's bearing in the world, the British remain convinced of two things. First, they are the most important country in the world (they once colonised the USA after all). Secondly - notwithstanding only ever having achieved one world cup triumph (a decidedly dodgy one forty years ago) - they believe that they will win the world cup this year (as it happens, they believe this every four years!).

Living as an ex-colonial in this country is especially trying during the world cup. Memories of the last humiliation four years previously are conveniently erased and football hysteria of a nonsensical kind envelops the nation. England flags are flying everywhere in London as I write this - even from the tops of the Jags ferrying cabinet misters about. The Prime Minister has bought a white tie emblazoned with the cross of St George. And then there is the irrational faith the British always place upon solitary individuals. For the past fortnight people have been unable to sleep because they have been too busy worrying about the state of England striker, Wayne Rooney. The potato faced youngster broke some bones in his foot while playing a football game and, it was feared, would be unable to kick the goal that would win the world cup for England. Many tears have been shed over this. This morning, England woke up to the news that the youngster will indeed be playing in the latter stages of the tournament. The tears of woe have been mopped up and fresh ones - of joy this time - are dripping down English faces.

It is at times like this when one truly appreciates the British Grand Prix. The British do Formula 1 rather well. Formula 1 racing has always been primarily a British event. For years only Ferrari was not British. Now, even teams nominally badged as foreign, such as Renault and Toyota, are based in Britain. There have been some outstanding British drivers through the years. Remember the pantheon I spoke of a few weeks ago? Well, names like Jim Clark, Jackie Stewart and Nigel Mansell have permanent places within it. The event is always spectacular. Silverstone is home to one of the great Formula 1 racing circuits. Like the Belgian Grand Prix at Spa, the Monaco Grand Prix in Monte Carlo and the Japanese Grand Prix at Suzuka, you do not want to miss the British Grand Prix at Silverstone. It is a circuit of tremendous speed, lots of overtaking opportunities and intense difficulty. It is also a fun race - both for the fans and the drivers. I have always loved Silverstone and warmly welcome the distraction from football this weekend.

British driver, Jenson Button, started his formula 1 career seven years ago showing great promise. He was prematurely described as the next world champion after Michael Schumacher. There has been much eating of humble pie since. Jenson Button has gone beyond 107 race starts without achieving a single victory. This does not always indicate a path to oblivion from here on; others have been late developers and gone on to be world champions (think Mika Hakkinen). The trouble is that Jenson seems to be sliding downwards. He has been outqualified and outraced by his team-mate, Rubens Barrichello, too many times this season. But Jenson has the advantage of having had enough years to settle into the Honda team. Admittedly Barrichello is a more experienced racing driver than Button but this is his first season at Honda and he, therefore, has yet to get used to the manner in which it works. Button will not win the British Grand Prix on Sunday, of that I am certain. He may welcome the fact that impatient British eyes may instead be focusing their attention on the football field in Germany rather than on the hero who consistently disappoints.

To disappoint is one thing but to be labelled a cheat is quite another. Had he not been penalised, Michael Schumacher would have won the Monaco Grand Prix a fortnight ago. The drive he produced on Sunday when he raced from the back of the grid up to fifth ranks among his most outstanding performances. He had such raw speed and such immaculate timing that even at Monaco - the most difficult track in the world for overtaking - he was able to get past nearly everybody. There was absolutely no need then for him to have been worried about not achieving pole on the previous day. But worried he still was. So much so that he found it necessary to attempt to sabotage the flying lap of Fernando Alonso by parking his car at an angle on the side of the circuit. From observing Schumacher on Sunday, I am convinced that he would have won the race even if he had begun it from the third row of the grid. This tells you everything about Michael Schumacher. He may be the most talented, most gifted driver ever to appear in motor racing but he is also a mean, nasty, dishonest individual. As Chipo says, Michael Schumacher should be banned. Formula 1 will be better off without him.

Ironically, the race looks like it will be fought between Michael Schumacher and Fernando Alonso. The Ferrari-Bridgestone package is back to the performance levels we last saw two years ago and Schumacher is always quick at Silverstone. Renault have demonstrated themselves to possess a formidable all-round package. No circuit is too tough for them. Fernando Alonso has made no secret of the fact that he is going about motor racing ticking boxes. World championship - tick. Monaco- tick. Now he wants to tick the box marked "Silverstone". It is not an easy one - it took Michael Schumacher more than eight years before he got his first Silverstone tick - but I think Alonso is equal to the challenge.

I would have loved to see the McLarens in contention for this race. Juan Pablo Montoya's win last year was superb. But they do not seem to have the reliability this season. It was lovely to see Kimi Raikkonen going after Fernando Alonso in Monaco but - as has happened to him far more times than he cares to remember - his Mercedes Benz engine burst into flames and he was forced into retirement. It is a mark of the man that he did not go and sit in his hotel and sulk. Instead he got some mates and some babes and sat in his yacht in the bay watching the remainder of the race while soaking in the Monte Carlo sunshine and sipping champagne. Raikkonen typifies the Formula 1 driver of yesteryear. Chaps who lived glamorous lives on the edge. Chaps to be looked up to..

In the words of Texan tough guy, George Dubya Bush, "there's gonna be some action, folks". This is a crucial race. So, ignore the football, get yourself some London Pride Bitter and a couple of packets of pork scratchings and,

Enjoy Silverstone!

Gitau

8 June 2006